Chapter 20: Replaceable

I’m a total fool
I lose again
all my fingers grip
around holding you in

And I thought we were friends
but I’m wrong again
I thought it was me
but it was something I had

you use me, you lose me
you pull me in two
betrayed and broken
I’m nothing to you

Got what you needed
glad I could give
you insult my worth
now just let me live

This past week I had a huge hit to my intellectual intelligence which I had to neatly hide away under my gripping smile. There is nothing worse than feeling like you’re being manipulated by someone you consider a friend. This cut is the deepest.

I put my trust, my time and effort, and even more valuable my whole-hearted belief in someone. This week they completely slapped me in the face by making me feel completely replaceable. I was hurt and insulted. It started to make me wonder if I’m just an asset and not actually a friend.

Chapter 19: You Get What you Deserve

Did I do a cruel thing? I guess I’ll never really fully understand my motives for publishing the episode. I will be haunted by it forever. And nothing anyone can say will make me feel worse than what I put my own emotions through. I am very hard on myself when it comes to being introspective.

I’ll tear myself down much harder than anyone ever could. And to think that I might have consciously hurt someone so badly. That’s something that will eat me up inside for a very long time. And nothing is going to take that back. You make mistakes. You have to live with them. And while I could take it down and put up yet another apology, the truth is the damage is done.

And while I could sit there and fight him on yet another one of his string of lies and accusations that he never gave me permission blah blah blah. I honestly don’t care anymore. He has every right to pick at me and hurl hatred at me. I deserve it for what I must have put him through. I deserve it all.

You summon Godzilla by taunting him, you deserve to get your city burned and crushed. I’m only sorry I didn’t have the foresight to come to this realization earlier.

Chapter 17: Sick of my Selves

I have way too many fucking identities. I’ve said this like a million times now. The truth is that I just simply can not be who everyone wants me to be. I have a hateful, sadistic, loathing, and deviant side to me that most people I know in real life would shun me for.

Seriously, they would.

And the truth is, not everyone can handle every chapter of your life. Some people are unshockable and others are shocked at the slightest variation from the norm.

Currently, I’m sporting about 4 different identities, the most guarded identity is my RL one only because it has to remain the most artificial. By guarded, I mean from my own emotional and intellectual conscious. Almost every frame of my thinking would shame my parents, my relatives, and all of my colleagues.

That I even tag this blog to my online persona of “Alachia” is already a slight risk.
I’m pretty confident though that it’s layered too deeply in the meta for most people to find it. Hell, at this point, I think only two people have even discovered its existence…which to me is rather comforting.

But I think this just goes to show how many layers normal human beings guise themsevles under. I would imagine quite a few people are like me out there. Where there is this level of expression that remains repressed and hidden.

I keep thinking how lost in my own mind I’ve become. Because my identities are so scattered, I tend to lose focus a lot. And it saddens me that I have to be singular in thought rather than all encompassing, complex creature.

I think it’s mostly just my commentary on society and how there is always going to be this degree of expectations on how we should behave.

Take Facebook for example. Here’s this social networking website dedicated with keeping in touch with acquaintances and friends. About 90% of my facebook is comprised of old highschool classmates and co-workers and a few family members. To be honest, I’m only on there to keep in touch with a few people and the rest is out of morbid curiosity. I’m a total stalker. I like to watch and learn things about people…to take a sort of anthropological notations on their lives. What was and what is of who they all once were.

But the truth is that I don’t care about any of them. It would make no difference to me if they were dead or alive really. And it’s not like I’m getting much valuable information about them in terms of human interest either. The closest someone’s life on Facebook came to interesting was when an old classmate had an open-chat fight with her family about politics.

That was as real as its ever gotten. The rest are just shallow sort of blips of an online show and tell. I’ve actually have a facebook friend who has over 1000 friends on his account. I’m thinking to myself, what are the odds that any of these people actually have a real vested interest in this guy? And WHY does one need 1000 friends? I’m already overwhelmed with 4 or 5 friends.

Each friend I have though is sort of associated with one of my identities. And it’s quite bizarre actually that the friends who are more associated with my core are the people I have the least amount of RL association with…

And it’s all the disassociations that I’m having to come to terms with. That there will always be a disconnect with who I am from who I am to any given number of people is a hard reality to swallow.

Chapter 11: Use You Lose You

When people first get to know me, they often wonder where my profound pessimism comes from. Do I want to be such a negative person? Absolutely not. People who are optimistic and hopeful always seem happier (duh) and live longer lives.

I’m so pessimistic that I’ve become indifferent to life so the long life bonus doesn’t even mean anything to me. So how did I get so brutally negative?

I think it’s because I have such an amazing trust of people. I always meet people and expect the best out of them and that everyone around me has the same opinions about respect and empathy.

To me, I might be brutal but when it comes to how I treat other people, I do my very best to make everyone around me happy or feel good about their existence. Even if I hate someone, I still get a high out of doing things to make them feel good about themselves.

The only time I get hurtful to people is if I feel threatened or misused.

For example, a friend of mine from high school used to come up and visit me every so often. However, as soon as he got here, he left the house to go hang out with friends he had elsewhere etc. Soon, he would show up without asking, take my house key without asking and leave. At a certain point, I finally felt like I was being played for a fool and stopped returning his phone calls.

So my rudeness usually stems form “radio silence”- it’s my mechanism for not going off on someone. Although, some of my friend say it’s far worse to get my silent treatment than to be yelled at. (guess I still feel like it’s better to not say anything than to regret what I said)

And lately, it seems like the only people who get in contact with me just WANT something from me. Whatever happened to just enjoying being with someone..just enjoying them for the sheer pleasure of existence.

Just recently in WOW, someone who I thought was my friend..someone I invited into my carass which I hardly ever do because I’m protective of my group, turned there back on me. He just decided it wasn’t worth his time to participate anymore.

It was one of those “kkthxbai” moments that make you say “wtf! this is why you don’t make friends anymore” And maybe there is more to the story but you’d think there would be more courtesy involved like maybe “talking your issues over as a friend?”

When you’re young, you think the opportunity to meet great people will be numerous. As it turns out, the best of friends I made where from high school. Perhaps it’s because we are too vastly flawed as adults to start fresh? We come with too much baggage I guess and we carry that into all of our new relationships.

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