Meta Footprint

I entered Alachia into this cool visualization output tool done by MIT. ( It combined the meta for all digital traces of my existence and compiled this data.

Unfortunately, my name is borrowed from other unique character in the verse who has a lot of data written about her. Queen Alachia of the Blood Elves from an RPG table top fantasy game I used to play. I think that’s why there are a lot of visualizations regarding “books” and “genealogy” in that composite.

I’m fascinated mostly though by the difference in meta output from Alachia and my real name. Because when I entered my real name I got an entirely different result. I don’t exist online as my RL name.

I am not exactly surprised by this at all as I’ve taken great efforts to separate the two identities and leave the one that is most insignificant behind in the RL.

I am quite happy to see that I, Alachia, am able to visualize a completely meta footprint after all.

I’m not ashamed of my RL self at all. We’re one in the same really. It’s just that her identity, the one bearing my real name, doesn’t have much meaning. Just as the visualization tool findings, there is no substance to that identity. I’ve actually contemplated on changing my RL name at one point but then realized I like the flexibility the duality of existences provides me.

Chapter 28: Gender Box

 mens_fashion_25 I’ve been doing a lot of faux shopping lately. It means I’m basically window shopping online without actually buying anything. I do this a lot when I’m stressed out and lost. I sort of try to help myself sort out my identity through desires and tastes.

I noticed some significant changes in my styles. All through school and into office life and trying to do social things, I’ve always noticed I’ve tried to fit the girl mold. It had never felt natural to me but I tried very hard to make it me.

You see the girls around you and you want to fit in, you want to conform to the idea of feminine and sexy. There is something about their general confidence in this style that is alluring and so I strived to gain that as well.

But it never, ever fit. I hated wearing dresses and always thought I looked like a monkey playing dress up every time I tried. I always hated formal events and weddings because I was forced to put on the uniform of the feminine sexuality.

mestyleI remember one summer, I was so annoyed that I had to dress to a wedding when all my guy friends could wear slacks and a nice shirt. I rebelled that day and put on dress shorts and a blouse. BOY did I get an earful that day about “proper lady attire.”

My body type is very gender neutral but I think my tastes are far more masculine than feminine. I like the sort of brash, solid, and bulkier forms of the male styles of clothes and jewelry. I remember being made fun of a lot in school because I would wear a man’s Cassio watch but I hated the petite female version of it so I picked up the guy’s version instead.

I also wore a lot of my father’s polo shirts and slacks in the beginning of High School and remembered feeling very inadequate. I would then borrow my girlfriend’s clothing to try and look just like them. 

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love female fashion. I just don’t love it on me. I wish I did but every time I do it, it feels like playing pretend. Also, I’d like to point out that I am referring to stylistic differences. This isn’t about “being comfortable” as it’s not like I appreciate sloth-like styles of uber baggy clothes and sloppy-wear.

I’m referring to being able to wear clothing styled to how I feel about myself and not how I think people should feel about me. I think it’s okay to not be girly but I’m not sure that most of my peers agree.

leathercuffHowever, now that I’m mostly meta and haven’t been influenced as much by a lot of girls around me, I notice that drive to be feminine has faded. I look at the fashions online and I like bold, masculine objects. I like form fitting but not form defining clothing.

I think the general problem is that people want to be able to define you so badly. We all do, even me. Boy, Girl, Sexy, Fat, Ugly, Dirty, Hot, Pretty, Sweet, Elegant, Punk, Glamorous, Lazy. It makes our brain feel better to check off boxes. We love to define. The only problem with systematically creating labels is that sometimes you get trapped in them.

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