Chapter 26: Lifesharing

So you’re me about 10 years ago and everything is all brand new and shiny and unexplored. You can’t wait to get your foot out the door and truly expose who you are. If you’re me and a socially awkward child, your means of doing this gravitate towards the meta.

You live for online, you live for sharing yourself online. For years you post pics of yourself, your activities, and all you dark creepy thoughts into the void. You’re not sharing to anyone in particular but just archiving who you are at the time to some online unlimited storage space.

Fast forward about six years and you decide you’re going to make this podcast based on a video game you love. All the sudden protecting your RL identity matters and you don’t want people getting an uncut version of you. You’re trying to stake out your territory and you don’t want your homoerotic fantasies getting in the way of that vision. lol.

What do you do? You stupidly erase every last bits of the last six years of yourself off the face of the meta and go into the witness protection program. WHY? Just so people won’t judge you for the wrong reasons only they end up doing it anyhow and so it was all for not! The one thing I got out of it though was proving that I could make a podcast work and being purely meta.

Present day. I want my life back… online. Over the last four years, there’s so much I’ve wanted to share and be open about but have been keeping everything to myself. So where do you begin?

Well, A LOT of methods of life sharing have changed since I was a life sharer. New tools and new media to do the things I used to host myself. So where does one begin?

1) Go back to your roots – start mind dumping. I used to love Live Journal because of their desktop client. I’m all about being to just open up an app and start writing. A shame I can’t find one for blogger because it’s now my blog host of choice.

2) Get all my photo albums out of the safety deposit box and back on the web. share share share. I ended up choosing flickr because of its prominent widgets and stream effect ordering.

3) Keep trying to wrap my head around all the tools to advance life sharing and find ways to consolidate them.

Chapter 25: Empty

I’m not that old but I’m not a kid either. In terms of my attitude, I’ve always been really young at heart. I never cared for the idea of growing up and being mature and “above” everything else.

I believe experiences and age does make you wiser but that doesn’t entitle you to stamp yourself as “well done”… I don’t think you get to be done, not until you’re dead or your mind goes.

But you grow up in a society that convinces you that there’s only one winning mold. You gotta be like this or you FAIL. And I think for someone like me, having tried to shove myself into that mold for so long has been FAIL. It’s just not me.

My brother would probably say, “you’re being abnormal for the sake of being abnormal.” He thinks I’m all “nonconformity for nonconformity sake.”

But I know what feels comfortable for me and it’s not this shell of a life everyone else casts themselves in. This isn’t home. And I think my latest onslaught of despair has been from me standing in this world full of contentment and feeling unbearably alone. WHY am I the only one unhappy?

I sat at my desk two nights ago just crying from frustration. Look at my life. It’s fucking awesome. I’ve got parents who live for their children, a brother who I’m close with, extremely loyal friends, and I’m with a guy who probably loves me more than any other person in the world possibly could.

What’s wrong with me? And after sitting there for an hour or two, it started to hit me. It’s not that I’m not loved or that my life isn’t full of nice things. Maybe my issue lies with the perceived me that these people love and the perceived life I live. Maybe the heart of the sadness is that it’s not really me.

I’m very disconnected from everyone lately because of this. I have almost always lived my life for everyone else around me. I wanted to be the good daughter, the great sister, and the best friend. When you continue to dress yourself up in other people’s ideals, it’s very easy to lose track of who you really are…or if you even existed at all…maybe all you are is just an idea of what people wanted.

And let me tell you..the thought that I’m empty really has had me reeling for days now.

All those years, all this time, who am I?

And it’s not like I can go all tabula rasa on my life at this point. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even want to if I could. Regardless of how I feel now or what I know now, I’m still that molded idea. It’s very solid and has little flexibility now. Plus, how do you even begin to find something from nothing?…

Chapter 22: Obsession

Have you ever had an obsession with someone or something to the point of debilitating madness. I get these once in a blue moon. It sometimes feels like you’re heart has completely absorbed your brain and no logic will talk you down.

You know it’s going to pass soon enough, eventually whatever chemical imbalance has washed through your brain waves will cleanse themselves out. However, until that time, your head is left reeling, spinning. It cycles over and over again replaying your obsessive thoughts like a broken record.

Each time, the same waves of highs and lows flutter through your entire body like gusts of wind, some gentle and others completely knock you down. And while this can have its moments of total ecstasy, for the most part you’re in agonizing pain. You just want it to end…

Chapter 21: Home

How much of your life is TMI and how much is just a touch too vague? I used to share it all. I miss that. But a part of me thinks the people who know me now just don’t need that much access to my life.

Four years ago, this blog would entail my outing with the Realtor today which would probably include pics and descriptions of the homes we visited. It was a great day. I might have found my new dream home. It’s a lovely two story home, completely brand new that sits on an acre of land.

We also visited three other properties which didn’t really make my heart stop at all. For me, my home, my room, my space is very sacred. I spend so much of my time inside my house that how I feel in it is extremely important to me.

When I first thought of becoming an Architect, the only thing that connected me to the profession was the idea of manipulation through building. You can ultimately effect someone physically and emotionally by design. I truly believe that. However, in this country, very few investors are willing to put in the cash to make that a reality. It all go so depressing watching the art of spacial and building manipulation turn into big box productions.

Can you imagine the ability to turn stone, concrete, wood, and other structural materials into emotional triggers? I imagine that sense of control and power architects of the 16th and 17th centry must have felt. Patrons who paid such massive amounts of wealth to have structures constructed to awe and overwhelm the senses.

And the most bizzare thing today was that I sort of found myself laughing inside. Surely I can’t have found my dream house on the first try? Who does that? And then the sadness sort of hits me. As solitary as my life is, even if I do get this house, I’ll once again be alone in the sharing of it.

Chapter 18: Trapped in my Mind

Lately I’ve been completely depressed. I don’t know what it is. It’s nothing in particular I suppose. I guess I just feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.

It’s not that I don’t have people around me. In fact, lately, I’ve been keeping myself in conversations and talking to people constantly. But just because you’re around people doesn’t make you feel less lonely.

The problem is that I’m not free to say the things I want to say sometimes. I’m trapped by not having any real confidants to confide in and so I keep everything to myself..the real things I want to say and feel. I have to become this storm inside myself while projecting the most clear and calm exterior.

It’s not that anything I’m feeling or need to say is even remotely profound. On a local scale, it might register as a 3, and on a global scale it doesn’t even qualify for a 1 rating.

My problems, my concerns, the things that torture me inside aren’t that important. I just mostly long for a real connection. A person who would actually care about my most mundane, minute moments of angst and frustration..my most mundane, minute moments of joy.

And the part I think that does depress me greatly is that there just isn’t another human being who could live inside my head nor would I ever expect there to be. And so I’m sort of like my own living prison of thoughts and confusion.

Even more so depressing is the idea that I want to get away from myself. And when you don’t even like yourself and you want to escape from yourself, what does this say about others? I just don’t belong to myself and it depresses me to no end.

Chapter 17: Sick of my Selves

I have way too many fucking identities. I’ve said this like a million times now. The truth is that I just simply can not be who everyone wants me to be. I have a hateful, sadistic, loathing, and deviant side to me that most people I know in real life would shun me for.

Seriously, they would.

And the truth is, not everyone can handle every chapter of your life. Some people are unshockable and others are shocked at the slightest variation from the norm.

Currently, I’m sporting about 4 different identities, the most guarded identity is my RL one only because it has to remain the most artificial. By guarded, I mean from my own emotional and intellectual conscious. Almost every frame of my thinking would shame my parents, my relatives, and all of my colleagues.

That I even tag this blog to my online persona of “Alachia” is already a slight risk.
I’m pretty confident though that it’s layered too deeply in the meta for most people to find it. Hell, at this point, I think only two people have even discovered its existence…which to me is rather comforting.

But I think this just goes to show how many layers normal human beings guise themsevles under. I would imagine quite a few people are like me out there. Where there is this level of expression that remains repressed and hidden.

I keep thinking how lost in my own mind I’ve become. Because my identities are so scattered, I tend to lose focus a lot. And it saddens me that I have to be singular in thought rather than all encompassing, complex creature.

I think it’s mostly just my commentary on society and how there is always going to be this degree of expectations on how we should behave.

Take Facebook for example. Here’s this social networking website dedicated with keeping in touch with acquaintances and friends. About 90% of my facebook is comprised of old highschool classmates and co-workers and a few family members. To be honest, I’m only on there to keep in touch with a few people and the rest is out of morbid curiosity. I’m a total stalker. I like to watch and learn things about people…to take a sort of anthropological notations on their lives. What was and what is of who they all once were.

But the truth is that I don’t care about any of them. It would make no difference to me if they were dead or alive really. And it’s not like I’m getting much valuable information about them in terms of human interest either. The closest someone’s life on Facebook came to interesting was when an old classmate had an open-chat fight with her family about politics.

That was as real as its ever gotten. The rest are just shallow sort of blips of an online show and tell. I’ve actually have a facebook friend who has over 1000 friends on his account. I’m thinking to myself, what are the odds that any of these people actually have a real vested interest in this guy? And WHY does one need 1000 friends? I’m already overwhelmed with 4 or 5 friends.

Each friend I have though is sort of associated with one of my identities. And it’s quite bizarre actually that the friends who are more associated with my core are the people I have the least amount of RL association with…

And it’s all the disassociations that I’m having to come to terms with. That there will always be a disconnect with who I am from who I am to any given number of people is a hard reality to swallow.

Chapter 9: Haul Culture

It’s always a little offsetting when you discover a new type of culture online. It’s part of the exploration/discovery part of being a metazen. You just never know what types of communities or groups are out there.

I was on youtube watching videos of people freaking out in offices and going ballistic. Mainly, I was watching them because my friend was having a super bad day at work and I wanted to link him some videos of people throwing monitors to help him feel better.

However, if you know how youtube works, some key words tend to over lap regarding the description of the videos. The next think I know, I’m watching a Britney Spears video and then from there moving to how to apply make up. Because I’m not a girly girl and hardly ever put on make up, I’m always fascinated in girl culture. It’s nice to see the side of xx that I never really get to experience. So all these girls kept talking about haul haul haul haul. I’m thinking to myself, wtf is a haul?

Apparently, it’s this whole culture of women or men online who like to video themselves prepackaging their cosmetics, bags, clothing, or any consumed item really. It seem to be heavily cosmetic driven but the jest of it seems it’s more along the lines of the glamour world.

The reason it feels like a this totally subtle fetish to me is that it’s all about really appreciating packaging, assembly, colors, textures, and feeling. It’s giving someone that tactile experience of sensory connection to the product. It’s that feeling you get all over the surface of your skin when someone speaks about something with enthusiasm and passion.

Also, it seems like it involves those who are heavily into shopping. hehehe. Crazy. I guess I should have known a culture like this would emerge. What better thing to use youtube for than to help those who love to consume, share what they consume. I know people who are very passionate about shopping and all they want to do is share the details of their purchases with you.

Video blogging allows them to do this at any time and for all their purchases. I should do a HAUL video for the expansion release of World of Warcraft. 🙂

Here’s a link to the Anatomy of a HAUL video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzJUd5z3vo8
Summary:
Anatomy of a Haul Video
1. Packaging – Box, envelope, bag
2. Product – Cosmetics, handbags, clothes, shoes – no restrictions
3. Touching – opening of packaging, product displaying, color name or number
Optional:
4. Testing of product
5. Price paid / Display of Receipt
6. Location of Purchase(s)
7. Demeanor and helpfulness (or lack of) of sales associate
8. Hopes / Desires of future purchases
9. Plans on returning or exchanging any or all of items / Possible regrets
10. Caveats to other buyers (Don’t buy the Neo Sci Fi line, don’t bother with the sale, etc.)

Chapter 6: Home-Work

So I’ve been on a sabbatical of sorts from work for awhile. Recently, I’ve started a new job getting to work from home. It’s still generally the same career line without the emphasis on career.

It’s so true what they say. About how your priorities change as you grow older. Ideals get torn down, optimism dies, and realism sets in. Those all sound like bad things but I actually am pretty settled in learning the lessons of life.

I think everyone should get to go through these phases of life. I think it’s a natural mechanism so we can learn to live with each step of our progression to death. LOL. Okay, yeah, I’m still a little morbid.

Anyhow, working is great. It’s a chore of course but it’s great to feels great to be financially productive again. Plus, I love having little distractions in life that make me feel like my brain is being exercised.

I was always a workaholic. I worked 70-80 hour weeks at my peek. I never saw weekends for months. I always did my best and always pushed as far as I could go. But one day I woke up and realized that I was wasting my life trying to “become” instead of just “being”…

At some point, I think everyone starts to decide, is this how I’m going to live the rest of my life? Is this it? And for me, sleep-eat-work seemed completely useless. Sure, I could have propelled myself into a high-track career and I could have become extremely successful.

But honestly, I don’t really care what anyone thinks about me…whether or not I’m a great famous Architect! At the end of the day, I just want to be with the people who make me laugh. And some people might think I’m just settling but if settling means that you’re finally happy, I’m okay with that.

So I’m pretty excited about the new job as it affords me the lifestyle that more suites who I am today.

Chapter One

I’ve been blogging for a really long time…since before there was the term blogging. LOL. …hahaha before there was even L-O-L.

I have a horrible time sleeping at night and what I often do when I feel kind of lost to the night is blog. I used to blog about everything that was on my mind and everything that was going on in my life. I stopped that all about a few years ago when I started blogging specifically about an MMORPG I started playing. World of Warcraft.

But a part of me thinks that chapter of my life is slowly ending. And at the end of it, what’s left? Just me again. Alachia the haunted lonely pessimistic anti-social dreamless insomniac.

I had thought about continuing on my old blog but I’m not such a fan of livejournal anymore ever since they wouldn’t allow me to post videos.

First things first.. I have got to figure out how to sleep and get on a regular schedule. Second step is to figure out what to do with my life. I don’t know who I am or what I want to be anymore.

I’m kind of sick of people saying that I have nothing better to do but hang out with them or talk to them….like…because I don’t have a career anymore… I’m obligated to be desperate.

The reality is that I’m actually been pretty content with being a nobody. I am however not comfortable with how other people try to make me feel like being a nobody is pathetic. It might be…but if I’m okay with it…shouldn’t that be okay?

I don’t know, we live in a society of judgement. Half of the conversations I had with my co-workers and friends was always about bashing someone else’s lifestyle, choices, relationships… He’s going nowhere..She’s self-absorbed…They’re going to break up for sure….There’s no way they’re happy…etc and on and on.

Why doesn’t society teach us to be happy for other people….to not downplay everyone’s life like an awaiting tragic story?

“They make a ton of money”… often is followed by “They don’t know how to spend money. I’m sure they’re not happy if they feel like they have to be that tight They’re so cheap”

“They’ve been together for 2 years now”…often followed by “He’s always looking at other chicks and she’s totally obsessed with getting married. It won’t last”

The books say to not pay attention to what other people think about your life. The Dr. Phil’s of our society tell us to just be happy about being who we are. That’s just not realistic. Maybe if we lived in a glass box that was perfectly polished and kept on a special shelf all by itself. The problem is that our lives are more like a hacky sack that makes its way by being tossed from foot to foot. I was brought up to get a good chunk of my validation from other people. Suckage….but my life.

Okay. Before this turns into a full scale monologue of all of Alachia’s flaws…I’ll stop for tonight.