Chapter 31: Human Nature

When I heard that Michael Jackson had died yesterday, I felt incredibly relieved for the pop icon. I always figured he suffered relentlessly since his demise since the late 90s. It’s better for stars like that to die early on I think. Dealing with the loss of being on top for the rest of your life after being a God among mortals can’t be easy to live with..

However, I am terribly sad at his passing. For me the death of Michael Jackson sort of just symbolizes a full end of an era. Music has always been a gigantic part of my life and certain albums reflect a specific part of my history. Thriller was definitely the first pop album I ever listened to. I spent so many weekends dancing with my brother in the living room to Human Nature and Billy Jean. My father would put certain songs on repeat, which back then required him to move the needle on the record player. He and my mom would sit and watch us dance and it’s one of the strongest memories I have from my childhood.

Throughout the years, the succession of his music was always present in our house. And regardless of his own failures at creating a nuclear family, his music profoundly laid a soundtrack for my tight family bonds. His death is a reminder to me of the end of that structure a family has growing up when all the kids are young and haven’t ventured off on their own. It represents that small blip of history where we were a family. It’s just a picture now….we’ll always have that sense of unconditional love regardless of our now more disconnected nature…but it will never be the same.

Chapter 25: Empty

I’m not that old but I’m not a kid either. In terms of my attitude, I’ve always been really young at heart. I never cared for the idea of growing up and being mature and “above” everything else.

I believe experiences and age does make you wiser but that doesn’t entitle you to stamp yourself as “well done”… I don’t think you get to be done, not until you’re dead or your mind goes.

But you grow up in a society that convinces you that there’s only one winning mold. You gotta be like this or you FAIL. And I think for someone like me, having tried to shove myself into that mold for so long has been FAIL. It’s just not me.

My brother would probably say, “you’re being abnormal for the sake of being abnormal.” He thinks I’m all “nonconformity for nonconformity sake.”

But I know what feels comfortable for me and it’s not this shell of a life everyone else casts themselves in. This isn’t home. And I think my latest onslaught of despair has been from me standing in this world full of contentment and feeling unbearably alone. WHY am I the only one unhappy?

I sat at my desk two nights ago just crying from frustration. Look at my life. It’s fucking awesome. I’ve got parents who live for their children, a brother who I’m close with, extremely loyal friends, and I’m with a guy who probably loves me more than any other person in the world possibly could.

What’s wrong with me? And after sitting there for an hour or two, it started to hit me. It’s not that I’m not loved or that my life isn’t full of nice things. Maybe my issue lies with the perceived me that these people love and the perceived life I live. Maybe the heart of the sadness is that it’s not really me.

I’m very disconnected from everyone lately because of this. I have almost always lived my life for everyone else around me. I wanted to be the good daughter, the great sister, and the best friend. When you continue to dress yourself up in other people’s ideals, it’s very easy to lose track of who you really are…or if you even existed at all…maybe all you are is just an idea of what people wanted.

And let me tell you..the thought that I’m empty really has had me reeling for days now.

All those years, all this time, who am I?

And it’s not like I can go all tabula rasa on my life at this point. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even want to if I could. Regardless of how I feel now or what I know now, I’m still that molded idea. It’s very solid and has little flexibility now. Plus, how do you even begin to find something from nothing?…

Chapter 22: Obsession

Have you ever had an obsession with someone or something to the point of debilitating madness. I get these once in a blue moon. It sometimes feels like you’re heart has completely absorbed your brain and no logic will talk you down.

You know it’s going to pass soon enough, eventually whatever chemical imbalance has washed through your brain waves will cleanse themselves out. However, until that time, your head is left reeling, spinning. It cycles over and over again replaying your obsessive thoughts like a broken record.

Each time, the same waves of highs and lows flutter through your entire body like gusts of wind, some gentle and others completely knock you down. And while this can have its moments of total ecstasy, for the most part you’re in agonizing pain. You just want it to end…

Chapter 20: Replaceable

I’m a total fool
I lose again
all my fingers grip
around holding you in

And I thought we were friends
but I’m wrong again
I thought it was me
but it was something I had

you use me, you lose me
you pull me in two
betrayed and broken
I’m nothing to you

Got what you needed
glad I could give
you insult my worth
now just let me live

This past week I had a huge hit to my intellectual intelligence which I had to neatly hide away under my gripping smile. There is nothing worse than feeling like you’re being manipulated by someone you consider a friend. This cut is the deepest.

I put my trust, my time and effort, and even more valuable my whole-hearted belief in someone. This week they completely slapped me in the face by making me feel completely replaceable. I was hurt and insulted. It started to make me wonder if I’m just an asset and not actually a friend.

Chapter 19: You Get What you Deserve

Did I do a cruel thing? I guess I’ll never really fully understand my motives for publishing the episode. I will be haunted by it forever. And nothing anyone can say will make me feel worse than what I put my own emotions through. I am very hard on myself when it comes to being introspective.

I’ll tear myself down much harder than anyone ever could. And to think that I might have consciously hurt someone so badly. That’s something that will eat me up inside for a very long time. And nothing is going to take that back. You make mistakes. You have to live with them. And while I could take it down and put up yet another apology, the truth is the damage is done.

And while I could sit there and fight him on yet another one of his string of lies and accusations that he never gave me permission blah blah blah. I honestly don’t care anymore. He has every right to pick at me and hurl hatred at me. I deserve it for what I must have put him through. I deserve it all.

You summon Godzilla by taunting him, you deserve to get your city burned and crushed. I’m only sorry I didn’t have the foresight to come to this realization earlier.

Chapter 18: Trapped in my Mind

Lately I’ve been completely depressed. I don’t know what it is. It’s nothing in particular I suppose. I guess I just feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.

It’s not that I don’t have people around me. In fact, lately, I’ve been keeping myself in conversations and talking to people constantly. But just because you’re around people doesn’t make you feel less lonely.

The problem is that I’m not free to say the things I want to say sometimes. I’m trapped by not having any real confidants to confide in and so I keep everything to myself..the real things I want to say and feel. I have to become this storm inside myself while projecting the most clear and calm exterior.

It’s not that anything I’m feeling or need to say is even remotely profound. On a local scale, it might register as a 3, and on a global scale it doesn’t even qualify for a 1 rating.

My problems, my concerns, the things that torture me inside aren’t that important. I just mostly long for a real connection. A person who would actually care about my most mundane, minute moments of angst and most mundane, minute moments of joy.

And the part I think that does depress me greatly is that there just isn’t another human being who could live inside my head nor would I ever expect there to be. And so I’m sort of like my own living prison of thoughts and confusion.

Even more so depressing is the idea that I want to get away from myself. And when you don’t even like yourself and you want to escape from yourself, what does this say about others? I just don’t belong to myself and it depresses me to no end.

Chapter 17: Sick of my Selves

I have way too many fucking identities. I’ve said this like a million times now. The truth is that I just simply can not be who everyone wants me to be. I have a hateful, sadistic, loathing, and deviant side to me that most people I know in real life would shun me for.

Seriously, they would.

And the truth is, not everyone can handle every chapter of your life. Some people are unshockable and others are shocked at the slightest variation from the norm.

Currently, I’m sporting about 4 different identities, the most guarded identity is my RL one only because it has to remain the most artificial. By guarded, I mean from my own emotional and intellectual conscious. Almost every frame of my thinking would shame my parents, my relatives, and all of my colleagues.

That I even tag this blog to my online persona of “Alachia” is already a slight risk.
I’m pretty confident though that it’s layered too deeply in the meta for most people to find it. Hell, at this point, I think only two people have even discovered its existence…which to me is rather comforting.

But I think this just goes to show how many layers normal human beings guise themsevles under. I would imagine quite a few people are like me out there. Where there is this level of expression that remains repressed and hidden.

I keep thinking how lost in my own mind I’ve become. Because my identities are so scattered, I tend to lose focus a lot. And it saddens me that I have to be singular in thought rather than all encompassing, complex creature.

I think it’s mostly just my commentary on society and how there is always going to be this degree of expectations on how we should behave.

Take Facebook for example. Here’s this social networking website dedicated with keeping in touch with acquaintances and friends. About 90% of my facebook is comprised of old highschool classmates and co-workers and a few family members. To be honest, I’m only on there to keep in touch with a few people and the rest is out of morbid curiosity. I’m a total stalker. I like to watch and learn things about people…to take a sort of anthropological notations on their lives. What was and what is of who they all once were.

But the truth is that I don’t care about any of them. It would make no difference to me if they were dead or alive really. And it’s not like I’m getting much valuable information about them in terms of human interest either. The closest someone’s life on Facebook came to interesting was when an old classmate had an open-chat fight with her family about politics.

That was as real as its ever gotten. The rest are just shallow sort of blips of an online show and tell. I’ve actually have a facebook friend who has over 1000 friends on his account. I’m thinking to myself, what are the odds that any of these people actually have a real vested interest in this guy? And WHY does one need 1000 friends? I’m already overwhelmed with 4 or 5 friends.

Each friend I have though is sort of associated with one of my identities. And it’s quite bizarre actually that the friends who are more associated with my core are the people I have the least amount of RL association with…

And it’s all the disassociations that I’m having to come to terms with. That there will always be a disconnect with who I am from who I am to any given number of people is a hard reality to swallow.

Chapter 11: Use You Lose You

When people first get to know me, they often wonder where my profound pessimism comes from. Do I want to be such a negative person? Absolutely not. People who are optimistic and hopeful always seem happier (duh) and live longer lives.

I’m so pessimistic that I’ve become indifferent to life so the long life bonus doesn’t even mean anything to me. So how did I get so brutally negative?

I think it’s because I have such an amazing trust of people. I always meet people and expect the best out of them and that everyone around me has the same opinions about respect and empathy.

To me, I might be brutal but when it comes to how I treat other people, I do my very best to make everyone around me happy or feel good about their existence. Even if I hate someone, I still get a high out of doing things to make them feel good about themselves.

The only time I get hurtful to people is if I feel threatened or misused.

For example, a friend of mine from high school used to come up and visit me every so often. However, as soon as he got here, he left the house to go hang out with friends he had elsewhere etc. Soon, he would show up without asking, take my house key without asking and leave. At a certain point, I finally felt like I was being played for a fool and stopped returning his phone calls.

So my rudeness usually stems form “radio silence”- it’s my mechanism for not going off on someone. Although, some of my friend say it’s far worse to get my silent treatment than to be yelled at. (guess I still feel like it’s better to not say anything than to regret what I said)

And lately, it seems like the only people who get in contact with me just WANT something from me. Whatever happened to just enjoying being with someone..just enjoying them for the sheer pleasure of existence.

Just recently in WOW, someone who I thought was my friend..someone I invited into my carass which I hardly ever do because I’m protective of my group, turned there back on me. He just decided it wasn’t worth his time to participate anymore.

It was one of those “kkthxbai” moments that make you say “wtf! this is why you don’t make friends anymore” And maybe there is more to the story but you’d think there would be more courtesy involved like maybe “talking your issues over as a friend?”

When you’re young, you think the opportunity to meet great people will be numerous. As it turns out, the best of friends I made where from high school. Perhaps it’s because we are too vastly flawed as adults to start fresh? We come with too much baggage I guess and we carry that into all of our new relationships.

Chapter 5: The Death of the Personal Homepage

Back in 1996, when the internet finally exploded into the main stream, personal websites popped up all over. Angelfire and Geocities were highly populated with “new neighborhoods” added every week. Unfortunately, where the people are, is where the money follows.

Everyone probably can agree now how commercialized the Internet is in present day. The idea of coming across someone’s personal homepage is far less accepted than major “.com” sites. Instead, the personal sites have all been sized down to the blogosphere. In a sense, what happened to personal websites is that the static data is now gone. Meaning you won’t find the typical pages of the 90s, pictures-bio-poems-cams-pets-thoughts-guestbook-etc.

Actually, it’s not that those types of sites are gone so much as segregated into multiple profiles. For the most part the personal website of today is a blog with dynamic links to other sites which house the “static” data of the personal websites. All the data is housed now in sites like Flickr, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Etc.

Also, based off the context of the content presented by most people, personal blogs or whatnot no longer are about personal expression so much as networking. I don’t see this as a bad thing necessarily but just rather limiting. Before, it used to be me and the void so you tended not to care so much about what you expressed or said or shared.

Now, it’s very intentional and usually directed with intent. So when I move from site to site now, I feel a loss of intimacy in those sites….mine included. It’s far more about expanding the scope of viewership and getting exposure than anything else.

One thing I can say is that the more personal and transparent you are about your life on your site, the more people feel connected and want to stay connected. Again, one of the greatest limitations I face right now with trying to shield my personal identity from merging with my meta.

That might crumble soon. I’m not sure.

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