Been a bummer of the last two weeks. Azyxa has been out of town on business. I’m definitely happy he’s coming home tomorrow.
It’s kind of sad that I can’t say upbeat on my own. I’m like a giant rock in a lake of life and I can not keep myself floating on my own. I will fall right to the bottom if I don’t have help. This is one of the main reasons I tend to be more nihilistic than most. I don’t see value in life if you can’t keep yourself afloat.. at least mentally.
I’m not entirely sure if I’ll ever be in a “great” place with myself. I keep thinking something along the lines is going to give me that tenacity that I see in so many other people. I just feel like I lost it years and years ago for no other reason than having taken a broader look at life.
My mom, Jemimus, and Azyxa all congratulated me in on hitting 13k subs on youtube. I didn’t even know. I have been kind of feeling all kinds of guilt about my recent boost in subs. I 100% don’t feel like I deserved it because I simply had an opinion on the Ghostbusters movie that aligned with a bunch of right circumstances (female + hated GB).
But at the same time, I was reading through the comments people have left and was floored by the amazing thought provoking ideas people have shared with me. I’ve learned a lot of social concepts and issues I didn’t even know existed. People told me a lot of discrimination stories, a lot of them personal.
I’m just sort of hating myself that I can’t sit here and simply find joy in that. Instead, my self loathing and projected negativity keeps saying things like “you’re nothing more than a penis figurehead who was born with double x chromies”
Ugh. what’s wrong with me. Normally I vent a lot of these kinds of loops to only my therapist and Azyxa but I thought I’d let you see some of the madhouse fun I put myself through on a daily basis.
Also, loops is one of the reasons I haven’t been making videos in the last few days but I have one in the can I’m working on right now.
… I should totally delete this and not post it. … urrrr. oh well. like the Joker said.. There is no sanity clause!