Been a bummer of the last two weeks. Azyxa has been out of town on business. I’m definitely happy he’s coming home tomorrow.
It’s kind of sad that I can’t say upbeat on my own. I’m like a giant rock in a lake of life and I can not keep myself floating on my own. I will fall right to the bottom if I don’t have help. This is one of the main reasons I tend to be more nihilistic than most. I don’t see value in life if you can’t keep yourself afloat.. at least mentally.
I’m not entirely sure if I’ll ever be in a “great” place with myself. I keep thinking something along the lines is going to give me that tenacity that I see in so many other people. I just feel like I lost it years and years ago for no other reason than having taken a broader look at life.
My mom, Jemimus, and Azyxa all congratulated me in on hitting 13k subs on youtube. I didn’t even know. I have been kind of feeling all kinds of guilt about my recent boost in subs. I 100% don’t feel like I deserved it because I simply had an opinion on the Ghostbusters movie that aligned with a bunch of right circumstances (female + hated GB).
But at the same time, I was reading through the comments people have left and was floored by the amazing thought provoking ideas people have shared with me. I’ve learned a lot of social concepts and issues I didn’t even know existed. People told me a lot of discrimination stories, a lot of them personal.
I’m just sort of hating myself that I can’t sit here and simply find joy in that. Instead, my self loathing and projected negativity keeps saying things like “you’re nothing more than a penis figurehead who was born with double x chromies”
Ugh. what’s wrong with me. Normally I vent a lot of these kinds of loops to only my therapist and Azyxa but I thought I’d let you see some of the madhouse fun I put myself through on a daily basis.
Also, loops is one of the reasons I haven’t been making videos in the last few days but I have one in the can I’m working on right now.
… I should totally delete this and not post it. … urrrr. oh well. like the Joker said.. There is no sanity clause!
Alachia 
August 12, 2016 at 6:20 am
Hi, just discovered your website after checking out your videos. After reading your post here, reading about the struggles you have compelled me to reply. In my own life, I know a lot of women who also feel the same way as you, and in trying to help them discover the reason and cause, for all of them (all five I should say) the root cause was embedded in the stress and struggle of simply trying to keep their house and home secure. By that I mean that working at their job, to secure income to keep a roof over their head and food in the fridge led them down a road of self-loathing and depression. In other words, in working against their nature (in their case, the nurturing, caring nature that’s inherent in all of them), in denying that to secure income just to live, has left them and continues to leave them in a state of self-loathing, which has lead to a domino effect that totally skews their outlook on life to a dull grey, instead of looking at life as the vibrant thing that it could be for them.
I know I’m just a stranger reading this in passing, but I’ve really enjoyed your insightful videos and reviews, and I felt since I really liked your content, that I could maybe give you some kind of insight from my perspective of dealing with people in my life who suffers from this that could perhaps help you in some small part. Hope this helps, and thank you for sharing your views and opinions in your videos and here. ^_^