Sitting here, doped up on all sorts of cold medications with my laptop on my lap and my little Daisy girl snuggled up to the left of me. My parents actually put up a Christmas tree this year so I’m happy. I should be tired by now since I took a lot of medication that’s supposed to make me drowsy but even Valium didn’t make me sleepy so this measly Nyquil stuff probably won’t do much. Maybe I’m also just a bit excited about Christmas tomorrow.

I’m not sure why Christmas is still a big thing for me. You’d think I would have grown out of it by now but I still get quite a rush on Christmas morning. And even though I can buy all the presents for myself now, I still love unwrapping gifts from friends and family. I guess I like the idea of giving a lot.

This year, I don’t think I deserve any presents after the shit I put everyone in my life through. But my therapist says it’s not good to put the blame of your psychological issues on you as if you had a choice to be this way etc. It’s just hard not to accept the blame sometimes though. Everyone does it to an extent when things go wrong in their life.

I can’t say I’m sad to see this year come to an end though. While it was an interesting learning and growing experience, I’m ready to move on and stop the stalling and start the “becoming”.. etc. My biggest goal for next year is to self-actuate and stop being so dependent on the approval and happiness of people in my life.. especially my family. I have to really learn how to let go of the negativity from other people NOT being okay with my choices and my ideas.

I also need to learn how to let go of the negative in my life, let it pass and not dwell in it till I get super pruny from sadness. That’s the beauty of the Lexapro drug I’ve been taking. It’s like I can see the sadness and the negative thoughts.. but for some reason, this drug inhibits me from attaching myself to them. They exist but they don’t suffocate me like they used to. I hate that I’m medicated but hell if it gets me through the day without wanting to jump in front of a train, I’ll take it.

Okay, just realized this post wasn’t very Christmas cheerful. I guess I’m not super cheerful in text always. But if you could see me right now, I’m doing a little couch dance and humming We Wish You a Merry Christmas…but in a drugged up, stuffy sort of way. *achoooo* excuse me.

Guess I better try to rest a bit since Christmas is just around the clock. Hopefully I won’t be too bunged up for tearing open presents tomorrow.

Here’s to the 5 year old kid in all of us! cheers. Merry Christmas!