I think I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to visualize my future. I always wanted to know the shape, feel, and look of my Tomorrow. And I was rarely satisfied with my Todays.
I’m not sure why I’m so obsessed with trying to control my future so much. It’s not like it’s something you can really ever get a handle on and it’s certainly never quite the product you spend so much time molding it to be. In other words, I set myself up for disappointment all the time.
But often now I wonder if I just don’t have some kind of mental incapacity for happiness or sustaining a mentally stable mindset. Most of the time now I find myself searching for an answer I thought I’d find on this side of the mirror. And the thought that terrifies me the most is wondering if I’ll ever find it.
It’s the never ending mental loops and never finding an answer that troubles me the most these days. Shouldn’t you know by now is the question I find myself asking over and over again.
Some days I’m borderline normal and I can sort of pretend like I resemble my former self and other days I’m just about to hit bottom. It’s strange how I used to be able to escape from the RL into the meta but now escaping just seems stupid. And I find that I really miss any sort of grounding.
This will make me sound loopy but I sometimes regret not going to see a professional awhile back when I started to hit bottom more often than normal. If it turns out that I’m simply mental then I’ll be really pissed at myself for wrecking my life for something that could be solved with some pills. You know?
So right now I’m sort of playing this game called spin the bottle on the future because the OCD (obsessive compulsive) method of planning and expectations just doesn’t seem to yield the results I want. I don’t know what I want and worse, I don’t know who I am. This next year I think will be a lot of running into walls, falling into potholes, and wandering around aimlessly.