You capture a piece of yourself and you try to hold it in your hand without destroying it but you find that’s just not possible. The second we try to secure ourselves is the moment we begin to crush our own wings. That’s the scary thing about life. We just have to let it flutter around and maybe that means only being able to appreciate the beauty of something for a brief moment but trying to hold onto it makes things worse.
Life is organic and wild. I’m sure there’s some kind of complicated algorithm to it but I just know I’ll never figure it out in my lifetime so I’ll just have to chalk it up to being to unpredictable to my insignificant human logic.
Sometimes when the I’m overloaded with things to process I go into my stages of “loops” in which I continually cycle my thought processes over and over again until I start to filter through some clarity. In these cycles are all ranges of scenarios, emotions, and possibilities. I go through the worst case, the best case, the most unrealistic case, and the emotional impact on all ranges of emotions from elated to suicidal. This is how I composite life and I’m not so sure it’s that healthy.
Like I said, it’s like I’m trying to take too much control of my own life. It was how I was raised. You plan for the worse, expect the best, and somehow your plans for life just roll out accordingly but as I’ve learned, this is not reality. It may have worked for the previous generation but it doesn’t seem to work for this one… Things move too fast, information inflation changes our perspective not on a yearly or monthly basis but I’d say hourly.
Because so many things have changed so quickly in my life in the past two months, I’ve found that I’ve been every which way lost. I can’t simply return to how things were and yet I’m not prone to cower in my own sense of self destruction either. I have to figure out who I am sans the dream of the girl I used to be or tried to be.
I need a sabbatical, a way to change my perspective and look at everything differently. Nothing fits here anymore and continuing to go through the motions just make me drift further into the darkness of my mind. I’m a little mad that I can’t return to my place, especially here in the meta but my RL requires a lot of reworking first.
All my loops have returned a [Life Invalid] response and I need a serious reboot before I crash into a permanent blue screen.