All the time people say, you know I’m here for you or I got your back. The truth is that unless you’re sitting across the room from me and I can see you laughing or you’ll buy me ice cream when I’m feeling like the world is ending, it’s all just words.
It’s always just words. For years, I’ve been telling myself that words are enough but honestly, they aren’t. After awhile, you want the real thing. You want to feel human..even for just an hour.
And in the end, it all comes down to that bottomless empty feeling which I think most people refer to as loneliness only I try not to use that word because it sounds so pathetic. Lol. How fucked up is that line of thought right? It’s like you can kind of buy “feeling empty” as this great intellectual introspective state which might be considered tres chic but lonely is preventable, simple, and petty. In reality, they’re both pretty much the same.
I’ve got an RL friend but I can’t monopolize all of his time and I’m grateful for the times we do get to hang out. We have fun and I get to be my 100% physical self around him.
It was kind of funny, on the way to the airport to pick up a friend, we
were both listening to our favorite album at the time Owl City. It’s this cute synthetic poppy type music and we have this thing where we both pretend we’re flash animation and dance around to it. I had his iphone in my hands and put on the glow stick app and we were having a techno party in the car but the real fun we usually have is laughing at ourselves.
I love being a goofball and hate getting that stupid look from people when they don’t get it and just think you’re weird. Anyhow, on the way back after we picked up the friend, it was a different ride back. The goof-mobile turned into polite chatter which was actually pleasant because I got to catch up with an old friend but the difference is definitely there.
The only problem with my BFF is that while I feel like I can talk to him about just about anything, I don’t think he’s interested in a lot of the things I am. He’ll listen but when someone doesn’t share the same passion as you, it’s just not the same.
And this is where I loop back around again on myself and back into the meta right? It’s where I say fuck what I just said. This is why connections are actually valuable to me even though they are JUST words… Because much like Hollywood love, I think glorified all encompassing friendships are also just a nice fantasy. There is no soulmate who you’re gonna meet and they’re going to be everything to you. You have to appreciate the connections as they are…whether it be in the flesh or words and in all the various pieces you can get your hands on.