“Sometimes I wish I could allow myself to be more human.” Yeah, so I tweeted that and meant to expand on it but exceeded my 140 character limit too swiftly.
I’m an incredibly analytical person. For years and years I’ve fine-tuned the art of intellectual back loops and theory crafting life in my head. It’s rare that I do anything that I haven’t already run through six test loops beforehand. Even when I do express slight emotions of joy or excitement, you can believe those are programmed to some degree.
I hate it. I once had a friend who would refer to me as the Ice Queen. As much as it stung to hear that, I wonder if there isn’t quite a bit of truth to it. I’ve spent so long fine tuning the art of suppressing my emotions. It frustrates people around me to no end.
“I can’t tell what you’re thinking.” “Are you mad?” “Do you care?”
@Jeppy told me awhile ago that people get scared of me easy. I kind of thought he was talking out of his ass and didn’t believe him at all. Then three other people admitted they were afraid of me and then I was like “fuck, Jeppy was right?”
It’s true, I’m not fluent in emotions. I’m good at expressing excitement or amusement. I am not good at expressing that I care about people though. I’ve gotten so that I don’t even have the ability to show own my family I love them so you can imagine how handicap I am with friends.
People close to me say I am cold and indifferent to the large part of the world around me. The reality is that I feel a lot, it’s just that by the time they bypass all my logic filters, the only thing left of an emotion is a mild smile.
If this is a defense mechanism, I want to disable it and try being more human for awhile. I just don’t know where the damn off switch is.
No wait, I take that back. That is illogical! I must have some bugs.
“One day I’m going to meet you again on the street and look into your eyes and see you are just a shell of what you once were.”