Singed. that’s what connections are to me.
they singe my “soul”
I am forever effected and the memory of that connection lasts with me. I’ve asked my friends in the past if they ever think about or reflect on the people from their past. They usually say they don’t give it much thought. if someone isn’t around then they aren’t in their minds..they are forgotten.
I try a lot to forget sometimes but I can’t. Maybe I allow connections to grab too strong a hold on me. Even some of the briefest meetings have left lasting impressions on me…sometimes it’s just a facial expression I remember or even the few words exchanged… sometimes something super minor like how they looked at their shoe while talking. So you can imagine if someone has had any significance in my life that the impression goes very deep.
I don’t let go easily..certainly not in my head. Physically I let people slip in and out of my life as they please..this is because
I hate the thought that someone is only around me because I want them to be… I hate forced relationships. I’m fairly easy to put down and pick up I think…although I know some people wouldn’t agree.
It’s just that I don’t like the fuss of definitions..either we are or we aren’t connecting.
Anyhow, in a very selfish way, I think that being forgotten is extremely sad. I know it shouldn’t make me sad because when someone has no impact on your life anymore..why should it matter if they ever remembered you? I guess it’s that fear of just being like a ghost..that you pass through people without leaving a mark…that you leave no impressions.
I’ve become sort of obsessed with the flower Forget-me-nots lately. I keep trying to figure out how to obtain some to keep by my window. And since I probably can’t find any around here, I might try to get a picture print of some for my wall. This flower represents to me that we all transfer pieces of ourselves through our connections with others even if our touch is light. The blooms on the flowers occur in groups and are almost always touching one another and and often times the clusters generate a heart shape.
They’re sweet I think. Today I focus on the good remembrances…tomorrow I might delve into the ones I actually do wish I could forget… heh. Always a flip side.