I used to be close to a few people and they were a pretty big constant in my life. My brother, my high school guy friends, and a few really good meta mates.

Lately however, there has been a huge disconnect for me from everyone. This utter stagnation in my ability to establish intimate bonds with my previous group has left me feeling utterly isolated. I feel totally cut off and I’m not even sure how it happened.

They say you make what ever relationship you want and you invest in it heavily if you want good returns. I was a firm believer in this for quite awhile. If you make an effort to keep your connections strong, they’ll remain strong.

This line of thinking however does not factor in the part where:

1) people can’t relate to you anymore

2) you can’t relate to them anymore

3) someone fundamentally changes which results in 1 or 2.

Because of the mass loss of people I can reach an intimate connection with, I’m beginning to suspect it must be me. Something has changed in me drastically over the last 3 years. Maybe I needed more depth or maybe it was a combination of just growing apart and me no longer making valiant efforts to sustain the relationship?

It’s hard to really tell without maybe discussing it with someone I’ve moved away from…and even then, they might not be sure either. I wonder if I’m beginning to disappear.

Not having a solid base is very, very unsettling.